Masturbating, my mom convinced me, but it didn't really stop me, in fact it made me who I am today.
So I remember my parents drinking coffee, and I would always ask for some but they would say "No, it has caffeine, its for adults." Then I slowly broke them down asking for it all the time, so they would take the little creamer cups, dump half out and fill the rest with coffee, like a little shot. I thought I was totally drinking underage and getting away with it.
It was always said in my school that hitting a girl was illegal. Apparently hitting anyone is illegal. Who knew.
Drink driving. As in, drinking any kind of liquid while driving. I used to shout at my dad for drinking water while driving.
To get to my grandmother's house, we had to travel through Meridian, Mississippi. Signs on the interstate said "Illegal to Cross Median." Five-year-old me misread that as "Illegal to cross Meridian." When I questioned my father about it, he said "Let's risk it. You watch for cops." It was a couple of years, and some stressful trips to grandmother's, before I figured it out.
Sex. I guess it came from my dad watching Cops all the time while I was growing up, and seeing people get busted for prostitution. So my child brain thought that meant sex was illegal. Basically I thought if someone had kids, they had to break the law and the police were just like "Alright bud, we know what you did, but you get this one."
When programs on Windows used to crash, and the "this program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down" message came up, I used to be terrified that the police were being alerted and that I was legit about to be arrested.
Swallowing your bubblegum. Mum said it was illegal to deter me. I was absent-mindedly chewing strawberry gum when I was about six, and swallowed it. I was too scared to tell anyone. Most panicky 24 hours of my life.
I thought money laundering meant literally washing money. Like if you left bills in your pocket and they went through the wash.
When I was a kid, my sister (who was just 6 at the time) picked up all of the fallen flowers in our Walmart’s floral section. They were the ones who had fallen from the fake stems, all dusty and dirty...
My parents caught her with a pocketful of flowers when we got home and scolded her. For *days* I thought the cops were going to show up and arrest her for stealing and take her away forever!
My sister and I never got along, but I cried myself to sleep like three days in a row and thought I’d wake up to find that she had been taken away.
Now I know that no one really gives a damn about those fake flower blooms on the ground, but it caused some serious anxiety for a while!
Not wearing a shirt in a store
I asked my soccer coach why they were called illegal moves, and if people who did then went to jail. Never heard a group of adults laugh harder than that.
I legit thought I would go to prison if I ripped the tag off a mattress.
Source: Pee Wee's Big Adventure.
Jaywalking is technically illegal
But I thought it was /way/ more illegal than it actually is. Like, I thought if I was caught jaywalking, an entire squat team would surround my poor, defenceless, 8 year old self & I’d be sentenced to goddamn life without parole.
Obviously a fear instilled on my by my mother, but a fear of crossing the street is actually pretty rational. So idk, thanks mom
If my mom's reaction was any indication, putting two spoons in the same section of the cutlery holder in the dishwasher
When I was about 8, I thought it was illegal to say anything bad about the Queen. I once dared a friend to say that he hated the Queen and I was confused and embarrassed when he said it immediately and no one cared.
I was afraid to buy some beer nuts because I thought I wasn't old enough.
I thought it was illegal to stay home alone as a kid and was staying away from the windows so the police doesn't see me.